I Suffocate
by under.that.sun
Summary: World isn't all roses, it has it's nasty parts, parts we don't like to see, but they're here, we want them or not. And Law is just a man, a man with his sins and wrong doings... LawLu, AU, yaoi, (songfic?).
1. I

**A.N. Some of you remember me putting my lyric/poem thingies at the end of my stories, right? I stopped not because I don't write them anymore, it's 'cause they turn out as stories… this is the very first poem/lyric thingy I wrote, I rewrote it like fifteen times… :D**

**When I wrote this, well I have no idea what I was thinking, just about real life I guess… This story is for you my dear sadistic readers, I know you're there, don't hide.**

**Warnings: yaoi – manxman, LawLu, AU, the side of life I choose to ignore…**

**Disclaimer: Don't own OP, never will, never did… But I own my lyric/poem thingy.**

I can't lie to myself I know there's no use

Let's not try again, the ends are too lose,

Don't give me last chance 'cause if you do

I won't be able to stay away from you…

Law's POV

"Good Law, now make a seductive look!"

Well this is easy; my eyes found a lean small figure in the back of the studio, there, among the camera men and usual griming staff. He was gripping his notice board tightly and his eyes were following every slow movement my body made. When our eyes met I saw him gulp and look away shyly, I couldn't stop small smirk from appearing on my lips; damn he's just so naïve…

"Great! That smile is even better! Now turn your body a little, but keep looking at the cameras!"

I did as the cameraman told, still keeping my eyes on Luffy, he was now blushing, but kept glancing at me. I couldn't stop myself from raising the edge of the briefs I was holding. His blush became even redder; hmm, he's blushing this hard even though he knows what's under these briefs…

"Okay Law, it's enough for today, thank you."

Immediately girl ran to me and gave me a bathrobe, I took it without even looking at her and went to the man who was still evading my eyes. It seems he needs a little punishment… I went to Luffy and when he raised his head up trying to say something I kissed him shoving my tongue in his mouth, I completely dominated him and when I knew he's gasping for air I released his lips. My raven haired lover looked down with even bigger blush then before. "Don't do that at work!"

I chuckled. "Everybody knows I'm gay and if anybody had anything against me being one they wouldn't be here. Besides from the day one everybody knows that you're mine."

"Still! It's embarrassing!"

"It's a punishment, it has to be at least embarrassing." I started walking to my dressing room. "What do I have scheduled for today?"

"After an hour you have a meeting with Doflamingo."

I sighed; not that fucker. "Do I have to?"

"Yes, he's sewing a costume just for you, you're going to end his fashion show next week, so yea. It's necessary to go."

I sighed and started undressing, with a corner of my eyes I saw Luffy turn his eyes away from my naked body. It never fails to amuse me that even after everything that happened between us and the bedroom walls he's still embarrassed by my naked body.

Affter fifteen minutes we were in my Ferrari, Luffy was behind the steering wheel and I was in the passenger seat. Luffy is so careful while driving this car that he's a better driver than me, I don't care about the car, so I go as fast as possible. I took out a bottle of whiskey from under passenger seat and took a gulp from the bottle. "Law!"

I closed my eyes as whiskey rolled down my throat creating a soft feeling. "What?"

"I think we already talked about your drinking habits!"

I opened one eye and saw Luffy's hands gripping the wheel so tightly that his knuckles were becoming white. He doesn't like me drinking, neither do I, but I can't do anything, I need it. "I need it, I'm not meeting that fucker without any alcohol in my system, I might puke all over his pink walls."

The speed of the car slowed down a little. "You know that you have to deal with him without any kind of drugs, remember what Chopper told you? Alcohol only makes everything worse."

I snickered and gulped down more whiskey. "Then take it away from me."

Only a sigh reached my ears, I didn't dare to look at Luffy; I know I will see only disappointment and pain there. Every time I do something like this it's there, if every morning I didn't wake up with him by my side and quiet whisper that he loves me this would definitely tell it all… Yet I still do everything the same way, I keep doing stuff that hurts him…

After another twenty minutes we were by huge skyscraper that had Joker corporation residing in it; damn that bird. After another two minutes I was in huge pink Doflamingo's office, the blond creep looked over me with a smug smirk on his face, I couldn't stop the shudder that went through my body. I hate him so much, this adoptive father of mine… "Law! It's so nice that you decided to visit me! I…"

"Shut it, we had an appointment today, so better get this over as soon as possible."

"Fufufufu, as serious as ever I see Trafalgar, alright, let's get to my little workshop."

We went three floors down to Doflamingo's 'little workshop' that occupied two floors. We walked through countless mannequins dressed up with various clothes. We went to bird's personal sewing machine; I never saw him working with it and I really couldn't imagine a huge man like him sewing. We stopped and I started wishing that Luffy could be here with me, but unfortunately Doflamingo demanded meeting with me alone and referred to our appointments as 'family meetings'.

Doflamingo started searching through a mountain of various fabric and took out a mannequin out of it. He pushed it towards me. "Try it."

I looked over the design of clothes he was offering to me. It was black jeans with grey spots that for some reason looked even darker than black. The top was a nice cutting yellow shirt and on top there was extravagant black jacket with a smiley face that was just like Joker CO logo. But it didn't have a line crossing it and there were little marks around it making it look like a little bit like sun.

I started pushing the mannequin behind a black simple screen used for models to try on their clothes. "Fufufufu, you could just change here, I know everything you have after all…"

"Shut up Doflamingo."

"As you say Law, as you say…"

TBC

**A.N. *Scratches her cheek* I don't know, it's probably okay…? I'm not used to writing something that isn't happy or fluffy… *awkward laugh***


	2. Suffocate

**A.N. Okay, so you guys actually liked the first chapter… I'm so happy! ^-^**

So please don't make that face, don't say it hurts,

Ignore my harsh words and break through this curse,

I know that deserving you is the last thing I'll earn

But wishing for more is all I've that left…

Luffy's POV

I gripped my wheel tighter as Law took another gulp from his bottle; he was with Doflamingo only for an hour and he already seems so broken down… I drove his car into the underground parking lot under the apartment building we live in. "We're home Law, let's go."

He looked at me with his grey orbs and I only saw melancholy in them, seeing that made my heart clench; he's so hurt and I can't do anything… We got out of the car and rose with lift to the eleventh floor, the moment we walked in our apartment Law threw the almost empty bottle of whiskey into the wall in front of the door. I flinched, but said nothing, I closed my eyes and waited for several moments, when I was sure that there won't be any flying bottles I opened them and saw that Law is no longer in the corridor.

I quickly rushed to the living room and got in the moment when he took out another bottle and threw it into the other wall. Whiskey started stream from the wall to the floor and I ran to him, I hugged him from back tightly. "Traffy, please stop…"

This nick name I thought up for him, I only use him in special occasions or when I try to calm him down. Law froze, the bottle he held in his hand slipped through his fingers and hit the carpet beneath, it didn't break and only clinked. He turned into my embrace and faced me, his finger gently trailed through my cheek and his face softened. "What would I do without you…"

Traffy leaned down and bit my lower lip, when I opened my mouth expecting for a kiss he pulled away. His hand cupped my cheek. "My beautiful, beautiful angel."

Without any warning he scooped me in his arms and started walking in the direction of our bedroom; at least he calmed down…

When my brain registered my body and I understood that I finally woke up, I felt a warm body pressed to me. Law's hand was wrapped around my waist and I was laying on his other one, our legs were tangled and my nose was pointed at his chest. From his calm breathing I understood that he's still sleeping, so I closed my eyes; now he's going to be fine. The next appointment will be only in two days, I will tidy the living room and corridor after I wake up, maybe I will finally be able to convince him to get rid of all alcohol…

Yes, I think I will be able to do that, he loves me as much as I do him and if he will understand that I don't want to see him being hurt he will stop, right…? The warm body next to me started moving a little and soon the breath became a little different, the hand I was lying on started ruffling my hair. "It's already nine pm, we slept for about four hours…"

I felt disappointment when our legs untied, his hands also left my body as Law sat up, I looked up at his gorgeous body. And how did such a handsome man like him chose me…? I must be really lucky that somehow I caught his attention and even his heart… I also sat up and started picking my clothes from the floor and started dressing; I need quite a lot of tidying to do, I just hope that the carpets haven't stained…

After half an hour I had already tidied the corridor and now was cleaning the living room. Traffy was in the kitchen making some food, quite soon I was finished and with a rumbling stomach went to the kitchen. There was food already waiting for me on the table. "Food!"

I happily dug in, Law was sitting at the other side of the table and watching me eat while leaning on his hand. Even though it was dinner, it was pancakes and there was a huge plate of seconds in front of me, but I was happy with pancakes, food is food no matter what…

I leaned on the chair when I finished eating; it was a good meal. "Today I'm going to the club."

The satisfied smile I had on my face dropped; no, going to club is a bad idea… "Don't go, it's a really bad idea, let's better watch some movies…"

Law shook his head. "No, I'm going to the club, I promised Kid that I will meet him at Sabaody Archipelago tonight."

I clenched my teeth. "Alright, then I'm going with you."

He again shook his head. "We both know how Kid doesn't like you, he might even cancel your invitation to his party after three weeks and we both know how much I will need you there."

I turned my eyes away from his expressionless face; I hate when he does that face, it's the face he makes when he knows that he's doing something bad and he regrets doing it, but he does it anyways… "Then I'm going to settle the documents."

I took my plates and put them in the dishwasher, then I threw one last glance at Law who was still sitting in his chair and walked out of the kitchen. When I reached the living room I heard a loud 'slam'; he punched the table, again, I hope he didn't hurt his knuckles… I found some cream in one of the drawers in living room and put it on the table with a note: 'Put it on your knuckles.' I went to our work room; I have a lot of paperwork to be done…

He came back at two am, drunk and high from some drugs he probably received from Kid. Even with all that stuff in his organism his mood was terrible, he came in the living room staggering and reeking of alcohol; I knew this will happen… I should have been stricter… I helped him to the bathroom where he puked, after that we both got into shower as alone he wouldn't have been able to do that. It was strange having a shower with him without him trying to do anything more…

It was around three am when finally both of us were in the bed, he fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow and I knew he will be in even worse mood as he will have a huge hangover. I snuggled to his side and closed my eyes; I should be stricter…

**A.N. What weirdo updates stories on Christmas Eve? Apparently – me, usually our dinner would end around ten and at eleven we would go to sleep, but today it ended before eight! So I got a shed load of free time… Hope you enjoyed! And Merry Christmas for those who are reading this! ;}**


	3. As

**A.N. 'Cause jam klaoo keeps asking for updates, I have to do it (if you nag me about something often enough things will happen faster (Just a little tip from me…!)). Hope you enjoy, or well at least like it as the whole story is just a LITTLE realistic… *sweat drops***

I suffocate as I think about life without you,

But everything stays the same I can't fight for you,

'Cause I don't have what it takes to win for you,

But maybe I'm just afraid of having you?

Maybe it's just an excuse to stay away from you…

Law's POV

The first thing I felt when I woke up was a pair of warm lips against mine, I immediately recognized the taste of them and licked the bottom lips. The mouth slightly parted and I slipped my tongue in that hot cavern. A silent moan slipped through those lips; true music to my ears… With a last suck to his tongue I released Luffy's lips, opened my eyes and sat up, immediately pain struck my head; of shit, my handover…

I hissed and put my hand on hy forehead; it feels like my head is splitting apart… "Take this."

I took the pill and the glass Luffy extended to me and gulped it down. "It's funny how this is the fastest way to wake you up."

I put the glass on the drawer next to bed and fell back to it groaning; it needs time for the medicine to start working… "And you do that every morning if you're able to wake up before me…"

The small male sitting on the edge of our bed shrugged. "I love you, so I don't mind."

My heart made a loud bang in my chest when words 'I love you' came out of his mouth; he manages to say those words so calmly, without any restriction. It's always hard for me to say those words, even for him, they seem stuck in my throat, but because they're stuck and I want to tell them they suffocate me…

So instead of replying back, I just squeezed a smirk out. "What time is it?"

"A little bit after eleven, half past twelve we have to be at the studio."

I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry for yesterday…"

"Instead of being sorry you should stop doing that."

My eyes shot open and I looked at the serious face Luffy had; it's rare for him to be this serious, I must have hurt him with all of this deeply… I bit my lip; fuck, he's supposed to be my number one, not some stupid party… "I'm sorry."

I heard a sigh and the weight form the bed lifted as Luffy stood up. "I ordered some food, let's go eat before it gets completely cold."

I sit up and the headache rushes back to me, this time it isn't that painful, but it's still near the edge of unbearable. Luffy leaves the room and I get dressed; I will also need to visit bathroom after breakfast, as a model I have to look flawless, that's what people expect from me…

When we arrive at work there is still fifteen minutes till photographers come, so I sat at a comfortable beanbag in the waiting room in the middle of the office. Luffy is working his job, talking with people giving order, helping those who have some sort of trouble. He flies from one corner to another with an equally wide smile; he manages to be so lively all the time…

He's like a little star in my dark night, my only star, he's the star that I'm myself eat away… Sometimes I can catch a glimpse of his light becoming weaker, fading away in my darkness, but every time he manages to lit up again, only that when he does, the light isn't as bright as it was before. Actually several times we were on an edge of breaking up, all because of me…

But every time he forgave me, after that I would try to reform, the me right now and the me that Luffy first met are different. I came to care for people a little bit more and I came to care for him with all my might, it also became easier to talk with me, or that's at least what I heard other people talk. I also drink less, I used to have hangover every second day…

Though there's one thing that I can't change about myself and I don't want to change it – my hatred to Doflamingo. That fucking adoptive father of mine adopted me when I was nine, I used to dream of becoming a surgeon those days. But that damn bird and his 'methods' of bringing me up destroyed that dream, when I only was thirteen he put me in one of his sewed outfits and put me in front of camera. As ever since I was adopted I didn't went to school I started modeling, I had private teachers Doflamingo hired for me who thought me everything I would have learned in school.

Because I never went to school I found it hard communicating with people and Doflamingo influenced me much more then I would have ever wanted. After several years when I hit puberty I became a hit and became famous, that made the famous Joker Company even more famous and that stupid bird became extremely happy…

Luffy rushed past me again and I sighed; through what miracle did he fell in love with me? Even if he was interested in my looks, he would have been chased away by my character… But he's with me, he continues to love me, take care of me… He deserves more than that… I already told him this more than once, but he stubbornly kept repeating that all he wants is me…

I don't understand him at all, why would he want me of all people, when he could have anyone else? There're countless people who had shown interest in him, some of them were even similar to me, but he pushed all of them away.

Luffy stops and comes to me, he leans down and with worried look brushed his hand through my cheek. "Whatever you're thinking about – it's not worth it." He rubbed the spot between my eyebrows. "You have this look… and I don't like it." He put a peck on my lips. "The photographers will be here in five minutes."

He ran off to somewhere again leaving me in even deeper thoughts; he's always like that, he sees when I'm troubled and tells me to leave whatever the matter I'm thinking about, alone. I put my hands on my face; I just hate the thought that I'm hurting him so much… Why can't I just change? Why can't I be a man worthy of his love…? A small stab strikes my heart; why can't my love be stronger then everything else…?

TBC

**A.N. I feel as this chapter is just full of rambling, but that's necessary, so yea… Hope you enjoyed! (or something along these lines…) ^-^**


	4. I think

**A.N. Because of what Katasana said ('I know that you just updated, but update!') I decided to start writing this chapter early… ^-^**

But I won't stain you with the dirt I've become,

So please be good and stay away from me,

I don't wanna hurt you, I can no longer stand

The ground is shaking I'm falling down…

Law's POV

This must be the most shitty day of the year… My headache didn't just come back, it came back with a bang and brought friends, all of my head was hurting, no, not hurting, more like coming apart… There also was pain behind my eyes and from all the standing I have been doing that day my back and legs started hurting. The photoshoot was a shit too as I just couldn't get into a role of a man who could seduce even a baby.

All in all, I wasted hours and also made my headache come back and it all was for nothing… Luffy tried to cheer me up, but my irritation was going nowhere, so I just asked him to be silent. After the unsuccessful photoshoot we came back home and I simply laid on the sofa, hating the word, the pain and almost everything else with it.

Luffy gave me more medicine, but before it at least reduced my pain a little I had to wait quite a long time. I laid there for quite a long time and somehow managed to fall asleep, to say that when I woke up and understood that my head doesn't threat me in falling down in different directions, would be rude. I immediately felt relieved and my mood became a little better. But for some reason among with my improved mood came back all the thoughts I had been having before the photographers arrived.

Hatred. That's what I feel for myself - I hate every single detail about me. How I can not properly to say my feelings, how I keep drinking, how my rage takes the better of me. How during sex I become a little violent if I'm in a bad mood, I hate how my heart clenches when Luffy looks at me with those forgiving eyes. I fucking hate how easily I get manipulated by that bird, how he can make my mood change only with couple words. And he does all of that intentionally, he just loves to see me angry, he loves to see me lashing out, I know how much that freak enjoys it.

And I fucking hate myself for the one of the most fucked up sense of justice, or more like the lack of it. I hate myself for getting addicted to drugs more times than I can count, for even considering for being worthy to be with Luffy. I hear light footsteps enter living room, Luffy stops in front of me, I sit there, leaning on my hands with my face in my palms. "Are you feeling better?"

I can hear fatigue in his voice; he probably canceled the photoshoot for tomorrow, so I can rest and get myself together… He doesn't ask these kinds of things, he just does them, as my manager he has the right. He's a very talented person and if he hadn't met me, by now he would probably be at the top of the company. Because of him I have begun to be known almost all over the world and was written into 'The Most Wanted Man' list…

I stood up and looked into his brown eyes; all that love… I don't deserve any of it. Yea, it's not my place to be, I have to leave before I swallow his light completely… "Let's break up."

Shock goes through his face and I immediately notice how these three words hurt him. It's ridiculous how three words can make one the happiest person on Earth and another three can hurt you like hell. And it's almost funny how hard for me is to say the three words that would make everything alright, bit I can say the hurtful ones with poker face… "Whu… What do you mean…?"

Luffy blinked several times and I saw tears starting to dwell in the corners of his eyes; maybe I should tell that it's a joke? And then kiss him passionately and tell him how important he is to me? I got rid of those hopeful thoughts; I'm not worthy of him, he already is stained by me, but it's still not too late. He can still forget me and live his life happily while I will get so drunk I will forget my own name. And maybe after a week of hangover will come back to work with an ice cold heart and continue doing what I do best – fucking up other people's lives…

"I mean exactly that, we're through, this won't work out, we can mend our relationship as much as we like, but it still will be broken. The only steady and un-hurtful thing about it was sex and even it became fucked up." I continued staring into his teary orbs; there is no going back now… "We should end this game, I'm tired of it." I shook my head and turned around. "Sometime along our relationship I wrote this apartment to you, everything for it is paid two years ahead, so you can live in it or sell it, money is yours, I have that shit more than I need." Without turning at him I raised my hand and waved. "Goodbye."

Just as I was walking out of the living room I was talked to the ground. "Don't you think you're bailing out you asshole!" Luffy snifed and sobbed a little. "Explain yourself! Is Doflamingo making you do this?! I know you wouldn't do this out of the blue! You love me as much as I do you!"

I stood up shaking him off myself, Luffy sat on the carpet with tears streaming down his face. "I already explained. Our relationship – it isn't going to work out. And this isn't out of blue, I have mentioned this many times earlier, but then decided that maybe something could change. But it can't, we have to get over it and the best way to do it is getting away from each other. Goodbye."

I walked into the corridor and started putting my shoes on. "Promise me!" My body stiffened at Luffy's anguished voice. "Promise me that you will be able to smile even without me! Then I will let you go!"

My heart stopped; even in situation like this he wants me to smile, he wants me to be happy… I clenched my teeth and made my voice sound normal. "I promise."

Without looking at him I walked out of our apartment, I had grabbed my bag I use to keep everything in because I might need them at unexpected times. Instead of taking a lift I started walking down the stairs, with every step I took a part of my heart disappeared. I walked across the street to the hotel and registered in it, I somehow got to my room and when my face hit my bed I felt tears sliding down my cheeks. What the fuck had I done…? I gulped; I did the right thing…

**A.N. I actually almost finished this yesterday, but the my mom came and told me to go sleep… :D Well today I'm leaving for my countryside… To visit my great-grandma… See ya sometime soon! ^-^**


	5. About

**A.N. I would have started this chapter sooner but I found this one good manga where a boy crossdressed 'cause he wanted to dance ballet (he started crossdressing 'cause he was tricked into it…). The story isn't really marked as yaoi, but as the story going on the male character shows some kind of feelings for the crossdressing boy, I just hope it turns out into love *squeals*.**

**Well with that being said, it seems last chapter made all of you sad… (Except for katasana, she proved to be the true sadist among you, you should be ashamed! :D) I can't promise that this chapter will be any better, I mean the whole mood of the story is like that… *scratches her cheek***

The rain pours down and I think of my lose,

I want to destroy the world 'cause life without you

Got me freaking confused, I can no longer stand

And it makes no sense how I came to lose everything I've ever used…

Law's POV

I stared at the blue ceiling, I stopped crying long ago, tears simply stopped coming out, my heart hurts like hell and I feel like the worst person on Earth. The only thing that keeps me from going back and kissing his cried out eyes is that one thought 'I don't deserve him'. He can have so much more than me, he just doesn't understand what true happiness is because I stole him away before anyone could show him that.

When he first came to the agency he was only an intern at university, he was so innocent and naïve, I just wanted to corrupt him so badly, so I told the higher ups that I will let that guy become my manager. Up till then I refused to have a manager and did everything by myself, everyone agreed immediately and the next day that guy was my manager. I hoped to see a shy teenager who would blush at my gaze, but I met a grinning young man with beautiful brown eyes.

And instead of corrupting him I fell for him, it took me some time to get him in my bed, but when I did he was completely mine. When he finished university he moved in with me by the time he did that he knew everything about me – my past, my present condition, my habits, my attitude. But he still stepped to next stage, he had no doubt or fear, it was always me.

I was the factor in our relationship that destroyed it, I was the one who made things bad. I was the reason his grin would drop and he would become silent. I was the one who made him clench his teeth and silently suffer because he knew that there was nothing he could do to stop me or my actions. I was the one who left those hurtful teeth marks on his skin during sex when I tried to calm myself down.

Everything I did was just so wrong that there is no way I could ever make up to him for the pain I made him go through. I wanted to leave many times before, but I was just so selfish I couldn't, I wanted to have him all for myself, I still do. But I know that I can no longer do that, I have to let go, he has to forget me, I know I have hurt him greatly, but he's a strong man, he will get over it…

Me on the other hand, I won't be able to get over it, so I will pretend that I did… I laid like that looking at the ceiling and thinking of all those times when I hurt Luffy until I heard a loud bang on the door. "Open up Law, I know you're there!"

Ace…? What is he doing here? Oh, right, the promise that I better not hurt his little brother or else… "It isn't locked."

It will probably be better this way… The door opened and Luffy's older brother walked in, he wasn't as furious as I expected him to be; I'm sure he saw Luffy before coming here… "How did you find me?"

The freckled man started going through the stuff in the room. "You really couldn't go far and this hotel is across the street. And I think you surely know what pretty smile and a little bit of money can do to an exhausted receptionist".

I put my hand on my eyes. "It seems you're not here to kill me, so why are you here?"

"To see."

I took the hand from my eyes and sat up a little so I could see Ace's face, he didn't look smug or happy, he was serious. "To see what?"

"To see if you're as bad as him, what I'm seeing is all the proof I need. Luffy asked not to hurt you, so I won't do anything, but you know that you're an idiot, right?"

I laid back on the bed. "It's will turn out to better, you will see, weren't you the one who opposed our relationship the most? You should be happy, I finally left your little brother alone."

A loud 'bang' startled me and I jumped up, I saw angry Ace he stood near table with a clenched fist, the table had a crack in it. "Don't joke around! It's impossible to just say 'I did what you asked' now! It's already too late! He loves you too much! He just can't get out of this without getting scarred! He will never be able to forget and you're just saying that everything will be fine?! Don't be a fool! We all know that it won't! Get a grip Law! You're just running away because you're afraid to truly change!"

"That's enough." My voice was cold and demanding; I'm not listening any more of that… "You should leave my matters to me, he will get better, he's strong and he will see for himself that our relationship really wasn't to work out and then he will be happy that we managed to brake-up in time…"

A silent sigh came from Ace's direction, it sounded like coming from a man who was tired of explaining his three year old son what women are all about. "You will regret this decision you know, you will see how hurt he is and you will want to comfort him and everything he will want will be exactly that. You will see."

I heard a silent 'thud' as the doors of my hotel room closed. "I already regret it."

No one except my empty hotel room heard those words, but it really didn't matter, nothing really matters… I took my phone from the cabinet next to my bed; time to make sure that I won't see his hurt eyes looking at me, or I really might to break down and beg him to forgive me… it's already hard not to go running across the street and doing that right now…

**A.N. Like always, I can't say that this was any better than last chapter, or if the next chapter will be better… I got hooked up on one Harry Potter fanfic, so I will be reading it right now, I will probably finish it today and tomorrow I will update again. Though if I finish early I might update today as I already have started writing next chapter… See ya soon! :}**


	6. Life

**A.N. *scratches her cheek* I'm starting two chapters at once as I have more stuff planned for this chapter then for the one before this one… Of course you will see this as sixth chapter, but I'm writing this before the fifth… **

So I suffocate as I think about life without you,

But everything stays the same - I can't fight for you,

'Cause I don't have what it takes to win for you,

But maybe I'm just afraid of having you?

Maybe it's just an excuse to stay away from you…

Luffy's POV

I looked at the closed door Law just left through, my heart felt like it was stabbed then thrown from twentieth floor then stabbed several more times and left to die… Tears rolled my cheeks nonstop as I recalled every word Traffy said 'We should end this game, I'm tired of it'; he doesn't mean it, does he…? I don't doubt his love for me, I know it's real, but why did he have to say those words? '…maybe something could change…' Is it true? Did our relationship didn't move at all?

No, it did, Law became different during our time together, he started smiling more, he started showing gentleness to other people, not just me. He even started sharing his problems with me… Why did all of that suddenly changed? Why did he suddenly start acting like in old times? Like before he met me…?

All of my thoughts suddenly disappeared as the pain in my heart became bigger, I tried to stand up, but collapsed as my knees became weak. 'Let's break up' why did he have to say something like that…? I tried standing up again and this time succeeded with the help of a nearby wall. I wobbled to the living room and before collapsing on the carpet took my phone, through my teary eyes I dialed Ace number. After several rings he answered his phone. "I swear if it's something funny again…"

I heard a faint voice of Ace's lover; I'm probably interrupting something. "Ace…?"

"Lu? Lu?! Why is your voice like that?!"

I sniffed and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes and cleared my throat. "Law… Law…"

"What did Law do?!"

The voice of my brother was really furious. "Law broke up… broke up with me…"

I heard Ace clench his teeth. "I'm coming over, where are you?"

A small sob escaped my lips as I thought where I am. "At our apartment…"

"I will be there in fifteen minutes."

The phone went silent and I let it slip from my hands, I closed my eyes hoping that the tears will stop falling, but they didn't, they just kept falling nonstop. Why did Traffy choose that? We could have worked it out, we always did… Why did he take it all on himself? A small sob escaped my lips; why we just couldn't talk about whatever was bothering him…? A louder sob came out of me; I want him by my side, I want his hands wrap around me and I want to hear him telling me that everything is going to be fine.

I want this day to be erased, to once again start a day in his embrace, put a small kiss on his lips and wake him up… Suddenly it felt like a hand took my heart and squeezed every drop of life it still had in it; I don't want this to be real… I put my hands on my eyes and tried wiping the tears off, this time I also was unsuccessful and only more sobs came out of me. My throat started to feel dry and cranky, but I just couldn't stop, I knew I need to find a tissue to wipe my face, but I just couldn't find the strength to do that.

So I continued lying there with tears flooding me and sobbing so much that my voice couldn't take it anymore and my sob became inaudible. When gentle arms picked me up and put me on the sofa I didn't even open my eyes, I knew it was Ace, it couldn't be anyone else. When I was offered a tissue I took with gratitude – I bet I look awful… When I was sure my face at least wasn't soaked in my tears and snot I looked at my brother.

Ace's teeth were clenched and his stance screamed that he was furious. "I just hope that fucker is worse than you."

A lone last tear rolled down my cheek, but I didn't wipe it off. "I…" I took a breath; my voice was itchy and it kind of hurt to talk. "I know he really doesn't want this…"

Ace gritted his teeth. "Well everything seems like a great prof to that. Do you know how bad you look? I could hear your sobs from behind the door!" Ace's voice became angrier and angrier.

"He thinks…" I blew my nose. "He thinks that this will be better for me, he always kept repeating how he doesn't deserve me, how I could have someone better than him…"

Ace sat at the armchair next to the sofa. "That's the reason he broke up with you?! Instead of trying to be a man he would consider being worthy of you he runs away?! Does he understand how much it hurts you?!"

"Ace don't talk like that…"

"But it's the truth! He's a selfish bastard and that the end of it! Maybe you really should forget hi…"

"Ace." The tone I used was something I did rarely, it was harsh and angry. "You will stop spouting that nonsense right now, I don't think you would like anyone telling you that Smoker doesn't suit you because he's fourteen years older than you."

"But that's not the sa…"

Ace met my cold angry eyes and stopped talking. "It is the same. I can't forget him, I love him to deeply, so you won't be talking about me forgetting him."

Ace stared at me, but after several moments gave in. "Fine, you won't leave everything alone, will you?"

I shook my head and lied down on the sofa, my heart started throbbing once again; we had spent so much time together on this sofa… "No…" I felt tears coming back to me, but I tried gulping them down. "We still work together, I'm sure that once he sees me, he will understand that braking up isn't an opinion…"

"What if he doesn't?"

The terrible feeling of being alone while floating in nothingness threated to overtake me. "He will, he has too…"

I hear Ace standing. "Do you know where he might be?"

I turned around to face the backrest of the sofa. "He didn't look good when he left, he's probably at the hotel at the other side of the street."

I felt a blanket land on my shoulders. "Then I will talk with him and come back here, I will order some food and we will eat, is that alright?" Instead of answering I just closed my eyes; I want to forget this awful event, I want for it to disappear… A small sigh came from my brother lips. "You take a nap then."

Ace's footsteps became fainter. "Ace?"

"Yea?"

"Don't hurt him."

Ace didn't answer as he left; I hope he does what I asked for…

**A.N. Ta-da, second chapter in a day! ^-^ I know I'm kind of a shithead for doing all of this (the pain, pain and some more pain thing), but I still hope some of you find this fic interesting… (I have no idea why I felt like saying that… *sigh*)**


	7. Without

**A.N. The seventh chapter? It seems before doing anything else I have to finish this fic 'cause the sad plot of it doesn't give me a rest…**

Don't give me that, please look away

From the senseless mess I've became,

Don't make me say those hurtful words

Please look away, forget me…

Law's POV

It was a week, a very long, tiring and hurtful week without him, I moved to another hotel, further from him. I have been out of my room ever since I came here, thinking became too big job for me, so all I've been doing is lying on any kind of surface and staring into nowhere. I would eat once a day, but didn't speak with other people for the last six days I haven't used my voice once. I felt my throat being itchy from not using it, but I really wasn't in the mood to talk with anyone.

On the seventh day I suddenly understood that I has been a week; he probably starts getting used to being without me. I wonder if he likes his new job? To prevent us from meeting I asked the higher ups to remove him from being my manager and to put him somewhere higher. They didn't want to agree as Luffy made sure everything went smoothly when matter came to me, but only took me a threat that I will quit for them to do what I asked for.

I should probably also get back to work, I can't hide here forever, it would be unfair, he's doing his best trying to forget me and I'm here sulking. I need to move on too… Oh goddess what am I thinking…? It's impossible to move one… but at least I could pretend to fulfill my promise to smile, though I doubt I will ever be able to do that. But you never know what tomorrow will bring, right?

I sat up on the carpet I've been lying on; yea I should call and tell them that I'm coming tomorrow … I stood up and waited a little for my legs to adjust to standing, in these days it has been a rare action my body made… I slowly, not trusting my legs, walked to the bathroom; if I'm going back to work I need to look like a model and not like useless guy who spent the last week curled up in a ball.

* * *

The moment I walk in the room my photoshoot is supposed to happen Penguin runs to me. Penguin is one of the makeup artists and one of those rare people who aren't bothered by my attitude, maybe that's because we're childhood friends? "Is it true? You really broke up with Luffy?!"

I walked pat him without even bothering to take a glance at him; it really isn't a topic I want to discuss… Penguin didn't give up and started walking next to me. "Why? You two were perfect for each other! He put up with everything you did! Why did you do something so ridiculous?!"

Is now everybody gonna nag me about this? "We broke up, end of the story."

Penguin glared at me through the shade of his cap. "Are you an idiot?! What end?! Don't act stupid on your own accord! This must me the dumbest decision you have ever done!"

I gritted my teeth as irritation grew in me; why should I explain myself to him? I do what I want with my life, even if it means that I'm destroying it, it's my decision… "Law! Don't be stupid!"

"Thay enough Penguin, I have to get ready for the photoshoot."

I walked to the person who was holding the outfit I was supposed to wear today and walked into the changing room. Maybe I am truly stupid, stupid to ever hope that I could be at the same level as Luffy so we could have a normal relationship…

* * *

Avoiding Luffy was hard. Always checking the main hall before walking in the building, always ride lift when I know that he won't be at it. Later I even stopped riding it and started walking stairs; you never know what will happen… but it still seems that it was unavoidable to meet him…

I looked ahead where Luffy was walking at my direction while reading whatever papers he had in his hands. He didn't look – he looked like he lost weight, the usual glint in his eyes was gone, and his eyes were a little swollen; probably from crying. My heart clenched impossibly hard; I did it for him, it would be even worse if we broke up when we understood that it was really impossible…

His stance was self-confident like usual and only several meters were left between us, I started praying, so he wouldn't look at me. Please don't raise your head, please don't raise your head… I walked by him…

Lffy's POV

Suddenly a familiar aura and smell passed me, it immediately made my heart ease up a little, but my mind didn't react the same. I quickly turned away and saw Law standing by the lift I just walked by, he was standing with his back turned at me and was obviously avoiding to see me. A lump appeared in my throat out of nowhere; Law…

My hand reached up to the spot above my heart as it started beating faster. To say that I didn't think of a possibility that once back at work I would stop being his manager would be an absolute truth. It hit me like lighting out of the blue. Now I was the chef of the editing department and no matter how nice my new colleagues were I missed my old ones, I missed working for Traffy.

Finally the lump from my throat disappeared and my voice came back to me. "Law!"

His back flinched when he heard his name, but he didn't look back. When I stepped first step towards him the lift doors opened and he walked in. he still didn't turn at me and my pace fastened. "Law!"

The lift doors closed and I felt my heart clench; he doesn't dare to even look at me? I looked down at the document files that slipped from my arms; why does it have to be like this…?

**A.N. I was just soooooo lazy today… I particularly spent four hours in tumblr checking LawLu stuff or simply killing time… *sighs* Well I still managed to write a chapter… Yay?**


	8. You

**A.N. I do this while trying to get over my laziness… *sighs* Why do I even bother…? *sighs again and sweeps her hand* Enjoy?**

So I suffocate as I think about life without you,

But everything stays the same - I can't fight for you,

'Cause I don't have what it takes to win for you,

But maybe I'm just afraid of having you?

Law's POV

I clenched my fists and felt my nails dig into my skin; why did he have to call me like that? '_Law!_' his voice was so hurt and hopeful, so full of pain and confusion… I quickly walked out of the lift to the parking lot; I probably wouldn't have been able to walk away if I have seen his eyes then… All of my will and reasons would fade away and the only thought left in my head would be embracing him…

I sat in my car and put my head on the steering wheel; I need a new car, this one reminds of him too much… Sitting at this seat I remember all those times when we rode somewhere and all those times he gripped the wheel till his knuckles became white. I also remember that time when I just bought the car and we did it on the back seat…

I started the engine and rode out of the parking lot; I stopped putting alcohol in the car in fear that I might start drinking while driving. No matter how filthy I feel I still have no wish for death… I started chewing the inside of my cheek; I also need a new apartment, I can't stay in a hotel forever, press will soon find out where I live and I have no wish of my private matters being exposed… Especially if it would involve Luffy, the last thing I want is hurting him by getting everything out in public…

I took a slight notice how the streets were quite empty, there weren't a lot of cars and thankfully most of the traffic lights were green. My thought once again to the man I once had the honor of calling a lover. He didn't look as good as I expected him to see after a week; Ace's words came back to me _'He just can't get out of this without getting scarred!' _He just needs a little more time, that's all…

I want him back so badly that my heart hurts all the time as I understand that I could have been able to have him if I was a different person and then I hate myself even more. Why can't I be someone else? Oh, how many times I wished to be someone else… I closed my eyes for a moment, but soon opened as a very bad feeling crept to me; something ain't fine…

I turned my head at saw a truck few meters from my car, with a corner of my eyes I saw my traffic light showing red; oh shi…

The truck came crashing into me…

* * *

Luffy's POV

A police car followed by an ambulance rushed past me; did there was an accident…? I sighed as I shifted the weight of my back pack on my different shoulder; I never needed a car as I always rode with Law, at least the apartment is nearby… I don't dare to call it my apartment, it feels like he won't be back at all then… But now that I'm alone there it's way too big and empty for me. There is so much space and I'm all alone there, my brothers visited me several times to see if I really was alright, but none of them stayed as they have their own lover to go back to…

I felt a tear roll down my cheek; I miss Law, I want him back… I want to see him angrily staring at his coffee mug early in the morning. I want to eat the food he made, I miss waking up next to him the most. It was so lonely to sleep in that huge alone, that I started sleeping on the sofa. That led to some back pain, but it's nothing…

I shifted my back pack again; I've asked myself so many times already why he decided that it's better apart, isn't he being hurt all about this as much as I am? I hope he didn't go back to drugs, or drinking… When something bad would happen to him I usually would be there and would calm him down, later we would have calming sex and everything would be fine after that… I wonder what he does now…? I wonder if his heart hurt as much as mine? Why isn't he coming back then…?

* * *

I took my ringing phone from the mirror edge as I stepped out of the shower. "Hello?"

"Luffy!"

The voice of my little friend surprised me. "Chopper?"

A small sob could be heard through the phone. "Luffy, some here quickly…" Chopper's voice became shaky. "Law got into an accident."

"Wha… what?"

A bigger sob came from the little doctor. "He was going through red and his car was smashed by a truck!"

I felt everything around me freeze; there is no way… I could hear a faint voice of the nurse. "Doctor Chopper, doctor Chopper! We need you in the operating-room!"

"Luffy I need to go to operate Law now! Come here!"

The phone beeped as Chopper ended our conversation; Law got into an accident? Is he alright? Chopper needs to operate him? Maybe it's nothing serious? But Chopper sounded pretty bad… But he often gets over emotional of things… I tossed my phone into my back pack that was on the floor and started quickly wiping water from myself; dating or not, he's still the most important person to me…

* * *

Operation took five hours, when Chopper finally walked out of it he sadly said that they did all they could and now all they need to do is to see if he wakes up. The information of what happened was supposed to be confidential, but Chopper told me everything as he knew how important it was for me. It seems that truck hit right into Law's side of the car, so he got the bigger deal of impact.

He had seven broken ribs, his left arm was completely broken and when the glass was breaking it gashed through the left side of his face leaving a deep gash. Chopper said the gash was very curved and went from his cheek bone to eye, apparently one end of it was very near his eye, it was a question if he will be able to see it with it if he wakes up.

Chopper didn't really want to say it, but he mentioned that there's a big chance Law won't wake up from the come he's in. He hit his head really hard and both of his legs were broken, the right one was just joint. There also was some damage to his spinal cord… He had a survival chance on 50/50…

It's been 34 hours since he got out of the operation room, the bigger part of his body was covered in bandages or gypsum… I haven't left his side ever since then, the room he was appointed at had a shower and the nurses would bring me food. I haven't spoken for the last 34 hours, my brother and even some of Law's friends came (he had them even if he thought differently…) I spoken with them a little but I really didn't find my voice for that…

Chopper said that talking with people in come often help them, but I just couldn't find the right words to say. My heart has been frozen ever since I heard of his accident, looking at his half-bandaged face I could feel tears gathering… So instead looking at his face I focused on his right arm, it was part of his body that looked the best. My fingers were resting on the cross tattoo in the middle of his hand, suddenly I found the words I wanted to say. "Traffy…"

**A.N. :P Hmmm *tilts her head* Should I mention that the next chapter is the last one? Nah, I'll just skip that part… ^-^**

**Btw, to the guest who asked, that manga's name which I mentioned is 'coda'. :}**


	9. But Does It Really Have To Be This Way?

**A.N. Alright, I think everybody knows this is the last chapter… thank you for sticking out with me till the end! ^-^**

It makes no sense,

You're going through…

Luffy's POV

"Traffy…" I looked at his face. "You're an idiot. The biggest idiot there is. You run away from me with an excuse that you're not worthy of me when in truth you're just afraid. You're afraid of me, you tried driving me away so hard, but I'm still here. Living with Doflamingo didn't give you confidence in trusting people, what to talk about love…" I made a pause. "I remember how at first you weren't used at me being kind to you no matter what you did. You were like a scared kitten who never was petted. I never hatted how possessive you were, it made me feel loved."

I put my head next to his hand. "I never hated you being a little rough during sex, I'm not a doll – I won't brake. I know you think that I will be able to live happily even without you, but that's not truth… I hate living without you, I want to be with you, I want to be the one who calms you down, the one in which you seek relief. I want to be the shoulder you lean on… So please, please, wake up… I don't want to be alone…"

The tears finally broke down and started steaming down my face; I want Traffy back…

(line)

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up leaning on the edge of Law's bed, my back hurt a little from the uncomfortable position, so when I straightened it cracked. I looked at Law's lifeless face and my insides clenched; seeing half of his face bandaged isn't really the view that gives you courage… I brushed my fingers through his un-bandaged cheek; I want him to open his grey eyes… I leaned down and put a peck on his lips. "I love you."

I saw Law's eyelashes flutter and held my breath; is it possible? The eyelids opened and grey eyes met mine. "Luffy…"

A silent and a little cranky voice reached my ears, my heart started beating faster. "Yea?"

Law's lips opened to say something, but his eyelids closed and he said nothing, my heart was still beating like crazy, but I still heard how he breathed so I knew that he only fell asleep. I pushed the button which was used to call the doctor.

(line)

It's been two days since Law first opened his eyes, after then he would wake up for a short period of time and would simply look at me for those several minutes, he even ate several times. Chopper said that he falls asleep so fast because of the all medicine he has in himself. Law never spoke though, sometimes he would open his mouth, but no words would ever come out. When I asked Chopper he said that there's nothing wrong with Law's vocal cords, so he can speak.

I put my head next to Law's good arm and closed my eyes; oh how I wish for him to speak, to tell me at least something… Suddenly I felt my hair being ruffled, I raised my head and saw Law looking down at me, he wasn't smiling or frowning, he looked a little concerned. "Traffy…?"

The injured male's eyes focused on mine. "Yea?"

My heart fluttered; he finally spoke with me! "Do you… are you feeling fine?"

A small snort came as an answer and I felt my body ease up; he's behaving like himself, things must be getting better… "I don't it's possible in this position to be fine…"

I looked down. "Uh, yea, you're probably right…"

"Luffy." I looked up at Law's bandaged face. "I remember what you spoke to me…" I continued staring at him; he could have never mentioned that, if he did then it means he wants to talk about it… Traffy looked away. "And I know that I'm an idiot, but I truly believed that you're better off without me…" His eyes met mine. "I'm sorry for making a decision like that on my own…"

"Is that a request of coming back?"

Law nodded. "I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes. "You always say 'sorry'." I opened my eyes, and put a kiss on the corner of his lips. "We will start doing so you don't need to use that word anymore…"

I saw Law's eyes light up a little, his body relaxed a little. "Thank you…"

The whisper was so silent I even doubted I heard it, but the grateful and loving expression on Traffy's face said everything I needed to know…

_A month later_

I walked into the shared hospital room where Law was now kept and saw him scribing something on paper, I sat beside him on the edge of his bed. "What are you doing?"

Law raised his head and looked over me, yesterday the bandages from his face were taken off, there was a nasty scar were the glass cut. His right leg was already out of gypsum and he walked with it sometimes and his left arm and leg were still healing. "Well as I no longer can be a model… I don't know, I just kind of got inspired?"

"Hmm?" I peeked at the piece of paper Law writing on. "Can I look?"

Traffy looked at me for several moments then rubbed the back of his neck and pushed the paper to me. "Sure."

Law turned his eyes away as I took the paper; is he embarrassed?

I can't lie to myself I know there's no use

Let's not try again, the ends are too lose,

Don't give me last chance 'cause if you do

I won't be able to stay away from you…

So please don't make that face, don't say it hurts,

Ignore my harsh words and break through this curse,

I know that deserving you is the last thing I'll earn

But wishing for more is all I've that left…

I suffocate as I think about life without you,

But everything stays the same - I can't fight for you,

'Cause I don't have what it takes to win for you,

But maybe I'm just afraid of having you?

Maybe it's just an excuse to stay away from you…

But I won't stain you with the dirt I've become,

So please be good and stay away from me,

I don't wanna hurt you, I can no longer stand

The ground is shaking I'm falling down…

The rain pours down and I think of my lose,

I want to destroy the world 'cause life without you

Got me freaking confused, I can no longer stand

And it makes no sense how I came to lose everything I've ever used…

So I suffocate as I think about life without you,

But everything stays the same - I can't fight for you,

'Cause I don't have what it takes to win for you,

But maybe I'm just afraid of having you?

Maybe it's just an excuse to stay away from you…

Don't give me that, please look away

From the senseless mess I've became,

Don't make me say those hurtful words

Please look away, forget me...

So I suffocate as I think about life without you,

But everything stays the same - I can't fight for you,

'Cause I don't have what it takes to win for you,

But maybe I'm just afraid of having you?

It makes no sense,

You're going through…

I felt a lump in my throat; is that how he feels? I put the paper away and hugged Traffy. "Oi, oi, Luffy! My ribs!" I released him and felt tears gathering. "I don't really like it, fourth and fifth columns have the same line which I don't find how could I change…"

I pressed my lips to his to shush him. "It's good!" My voice was a little cranky from those tears gathering. "It's really, really good!"

Law eased up a little. "Well this is my first try…" I took the paper and looked through it again; if he really does feel like this… I felt hands wrap around me. "When I started writing I wanted to say how much I love you, but instead it turned out into that."

I chuckled. "You don't need to write how much you love me, you can just tell…"

I heard how Traffy took a deep breath. "I love you."

My heart skipped a beat and I felt a huge grin appear on my face. "See - wasn't that hard!" The hand round my waist only tightened.

THE END

**A.N. Well this was completely out of the mood from the whole story… I have no idea how it turned out like this… Btw, I hope you enjoyed it! As today is New Year Eve I will be busy and later it's my friend's birthday… So yea… There also won't be any New Year Special, sorry guys… I wanna thank jam klaoo, South Boy and katasana for reviewing a lot of chapters, you guys made the updates come faster! ^-^ Bye!**


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